This should be a happy post, I should be writing it and holding onto it in anticipation of the 12week scan instead I’m writing with an air of numbness. On Tuesday, I took a pregnancy test, and to my amazement and delight it was positive. However the delight turned to apprehension, I’d only taken the test as I felt a bit strange and had some slight spotting. A phone call to the Doctors surgery later, I felt as though someone had popped my balloon, as he said those words I dreaded “it sounds like a miscarriage”. He then explained twice that we were going to have to adopt a wait and see approach, I just wanted to get him off the phone and to cry. It seemed wrong to cry on the phone to him, he was so blasé about it, he spoke as though I just needed to put a plaster on my scraped knee. I did cry, I cried shoulder shaking tears which left my eyes puffy and sore, then like clock-work I swept my hair back into a messy pony tail and set off on the school run.
I didn’t really know whether to write this post, as I’m not really sure what to write in it – I’m still in the “wait and see” stage, although judging from past experience I know what has happened – I think I’m writing this to make sense of what’s happened and to tell you all something which I can’t tell even my dearest friends, which is how I honestly feel. I feel numb, I don’t feel the profound grief that I felt last time which I handled so badly by pretending everything was fine – take my advice don’t pretend you are ok if you’re not, it’s ok to admit you were afraid, unhappy and felt isolated by a miscarriage there are images from last time which still haunt me. I don’t feel any pain, I feel like have to be the strong one this time, like if I’m the strong one it’ll all be ok as I’m in control. I suppose there is a part of me that is full of hope, that maybe next week I will have good news and everything will be ok, but I don’t feel pregnant, I just feel tired, very very tired.